He is There

I calmly and quietly told Tommy over and over, it's ok, everything is going to be ok, I held him, and stroked his hair, and got him to slowly stop crying, take a deep breath, and calm down.  I had this major moment where things became clear.  Isn't this exactly how our Father in Heaven feels all the time.  He just wants to hold us and let us know that everything will be ok.  I am lucky to be able to hold my baby, and comfort him and tell him that, but Heavenly Father can only comfort us if we let Him.  If we let Him into our lives and seek Him out.  He is always there, and He always loves us, and He will carry us through the storm if we let him.

I've been experiencing some severe anxiety lately.  Every day last week I found myself crying, and feeling darkness and overwhelming sadness.  It came on strong and suddenly and was all consuming. By Friday I was sitting with Steve barely able to get words out, the anxiety was immense and physically painful.  He suggested that I go the temple.  The best thing he could have said, he always knows.  Saturday morning I went to the temple.  I did a session while Steve stayed home with Tommy.  The truth is it has been a while since I've done a session (a link to an explanation of a session is below, also known as an endowment for the dead).  I have been nervous since losing the babies that I would be a complete mess, that I would be unable to actually participate because I would be a crying blob on the floor.  Incredibly I wasn't.  Not until the very end.  The word posterity hit me like a ton of bricks.  In that moment I had such a clear revelation that I would in fact have more posterity.  That all of this heartache and pain and anxiety would lead me to another baby.  Then the scripture from Joshua 1:9 popped into my head.  "Be Strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be though dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."  The Lord is with me everywhere I go, He's with me in everything I do.  He knows me, He knows my struggles, He hears my prayers, and He will be by my side no matter what the future holds.

We are doing another embryo transfer next month.  I'm so scared of everything.  I'm so scared of being in two familiar and painful places, that of being able to get pregnant, then being able to stay pregnant.  Infertility is such a big dark demon, it's a horrible mind game and painful process.  I did not think I'd have to face the getting pregnant part again this soon.  Then the staying pregnant.  You survive the getting pregnant, probably by the skin of your teeth, then you've got to stay pregnant, which for me has proven extremely challenging.  I know this is a lot of information and I've hesitated being so open about this but I'm hopeful for two things, that this will help someone else and that the prayers and love and support of my friends and family will continue to help me through this.  Today I feel a lot better.  As soon as I left the temple I felt peaceful and I felt so much comfort, and that has continued.  I cannot control the outcome of some of the major life events that I'm facing, but I can control how I feel about them and how I act and what I do.  I'm going to be ok, everything is going to be ok and I'm so grateful for that knowledge.  My Father in Heaven is by my side and cheering me on for all of it, and that's enough for me to face each day with a smile and a grateful heart.

https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-we-build-temples/what-happens-in-temples?lang=eng

Recipes - Freezer Meals

A few of my favorite freezer meals:

CHICKEN CURRY – serves 6

½ c butter
¼c chopped onions
¼ c chopped celery
½ t salt
1-2 T curry powder

½ c flour
1 ½ c milk
1 ½ c chicken stock
1 c heavy cream
2-3 c diced cooked chicken

Melt butter in pot; add onions, celery, sautee until onions are clear-ish. Add salt, curry powder and flour, mix it all together, keep it over medium heat. Add milk and chicken stock gradually, ½ cup at a time, stirring constantly. Stir until thick and smooth. Add cream and chicken. Let simmer 30 minutes. Serve over white rice. In our family we always put condiments on the table with the curry, usually it’s raisins, coconut and sliced almonds. ENJOY!

MARTHA STEWART'S MAC & CHEESE (w/ my notes in italics)

Serves 12
6 slices good-quality white bread, crusts removed, torn into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces (or you can use panko, just cover the whole top)
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for dish
5 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I don’t use this, fyi)
4 1/2 cups (about 18 ounces) grated sharp white cheddar (or any cheddar in my opinion)
1 1/4 cups (about 5 ounces) grated pecorino Romano (this cheese can usually be found at Costco)
1 pound elbow macaroni

1. Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Place bread pieces in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour butter into the bowl with bread, and toss. Set the breadcrumbs aside. In a medium saucepan set over medium heat, heat milk. Melt remaining 6 tablespoons butter in a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles, add flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.

2. Slowly pour hot milk into flour-butter mixture while whisking. Continue cooking, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick.
3. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyere or 1 cup pecorino Romano. Set cheese sauce aside.

4. Fill a large saucepan with water. Bring to a boil. Add macaroni; cook 2 to 3 fewer minutes than manufacturer's directions, until outside of pasta is cooked and inside is underdone. (Different brands of macaroni cook at different rates; be sure to read the instructions.) Transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain well. Stir macaroni into the reserved cheese sauce.

5. Pour the mixture into the prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle remaining 1 1/2 cups cheddar and 1/2 cup Gruyere or 1/4 cup pecorino Romano; scatter breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until browned on top, about 30 minutes. Transfer dish to a wire rack to cool for 5 minutes; serve.

CREAM OF BROCCOLI SOUP (or any veggie)

6 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
5 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken broth
2 cups milk (any kind works, skim is fine but of course 1%, 2% or whole is delicious)
¾ teaspoon salt (I usually add a little more, just do it to taste)
Dash pepper
Dash nutmeg
1 10 oz package frozen chopped broccoli, THAWED or FRESH broccoli (I just steam it before hand and eye ball how much I want to use)
Grated parmesan for garnish

Melt butter and cook onion until soft but not browned. Blend in flour until smooth. Add milk, broth, salt, pepper and nutmeg; stirring until thick and smooth. Add broccoli, and here’s where you would puree it in a food processor if you want it thin, but I just steam the brocc and chop it up and stick it right it. Heat in pan for 5-6 minutes, stirring frequently. Add cheese in bowls.

Same recipe with other veggies is great (carrots, asparagus, cauliflower) just adjust seasonings to taste.

CHICKEN POT PIE

Yield: 2 pot pies (6 to 8 servings each)
4 cups cubed cooked chicken (ham, shredded beef or turkey)
4 medium potatoes, peeled and diced
2 cups sliced carrots
1 medium onion, chopped
1 cup butter or margarine
1 cup flour
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon pepper
3 cups chicken broth
1½ cups milk
1 cup frozen peas
1 cup frozen corn
pastry for two double-crust 9-inch pies

Boil potatoes and carrots in a large stockpot. In another pot, boil cubed chicken for 8 minutes. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer vegetables for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain vegetables and chicken and set aside.

In a large skillet, sauté onion in butter until tender. Stir in the flour, salt, thyme, and pepper until blended. Gradually stir in broth and milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Add the chicken, peas, corn, potatoes, and carrots. Remove from heat.

Line two 9-inch pie plates with bottom pastry; trim even with edge of plate. Fill pastry shells with chicken mixture. Roll out remaining pastry to fit top of pies. Cut slits or decorative cutouts in pastry. Place over filling; trim, seal and style the edges. Bake one pot pie at 425ºF for 35 to 40 minutes or until crust is lightly browned. Let stand for 15 minutes before cutting.

A letter to my baby

Hi baby, I just held a 4 day old baby, it was incredible.  I was listening to that song by Jason Mraz called I Won’t Give up, and I was so overcome with emotion.  I just busted into Nicole’s house with tears already streaming down my face.  I held her beautiful little Katie, such an angel.  Such a gift from our Heavenly Father, so sweet, pure and perfect.  I so look forward to the day that I get to hold you and love you.  I am so excited to name you and bless you and have you be with your brother Tommy, he’s the best, and you guys will be best friends.  I need you so badly baby, I need you to heal the hole in my heart.  Your brothers came too soon and they didn’t get a chance to live on this earth.  I hated saying goodbye to them and I miss them.  Please come baby when the time is right.  I am trying to be patient and I know the Lord has a plan for us, but I’m really scared.  I don’t want to say goodbye to another baby too soon.  I just want to hold you and love you and have you look at me with your beautiful perfect eyes and coo and be a wonderful little perfect baby.  I love you so much baby, please take care of your brothers while you are up there.  Tell them I love them.  Please be good baby, please come and be healthy and strong.  I have faith that you will, and until then I’m going to do the best I can to be still and courageous and trusting.

Incredible Wisdom

I'm feeling kind of lost tonight, decided to take in some wisdom, thought I'd share this great list and a great quote:

"The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived though it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before.  If you can live through that you can live through anything.  You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"God Did Not Put us Here to Fail" - Jon M. Hunstman
link to talk

"I Will Not Fail Thee or Forsake Thee" - President Monson
link to talk

"Like a Broken Vessel" - Elder Holland
link to talk

"The Hope of God's Light" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk

"Where is the Pavillion" - President Eyring
link to talk

"Trial of Your Faith" - Elder Andersen
link to talk

"Mountains to Climb" - President Eyring
link to talk

"Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will be Done" - Elder Hales
link to talk

"He Heals the Heavy Laden" - Elder Oaks
link to talk

"Grateful in any Circumstances" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk

"Bear up Their Burdens with Ease" - Elder Bednar
link to talk

Small & Simple Things

“…by small and simple things are great things brought to pass…”

-       -  Alma 37:6

Two nights ago that scripture popped into my mind and has stayed there, repeating over and over.  Tonight I think I realized why.  The last week or so has been hard, I’ve been emotional and I’ve felt completely out of control.  I’ve felt like I’ve been taking steps back in my healing process and it has confused and bewildered me, and kind of shaken me up.  But several things have become clear tonight.  This is a process, some days are good, some days are bad, every bit of that is part of that process.  Steve and I had a long talk last Friday night, that was the last time I posted, and it was a rough day.  We talked about taking small steps.  He said, “I’m not asking you to take a leap, just make an effort, take a small step”.  I have the tendency to build up these grand schemes in my mind, like I’m going to lose 50 lbs like now, or I’m going to potty train Tommy in 3 days, or I’m going to take over the online retail world by Friday, you know, things like that.  These things are great, they are awesome goals.  But when I put these ideas in my mind and then have a day where things don’t go right, I feel like I have failed.  I’m kind of a person of absolutes, I go all or nothing, and I’m finally starting to realize that it’s maybe not the best way.  This one time I did something awesome, I lost 50 lbs.  On Tommy’s first birthday I made that goal, and with a lot of time and determination I did it.  The day I actually accomplished it was kind of surreal.  It was truly the first time I set a somewhat grandiose goal for myself and accomplished it.  But the difference that time was I finally learned a lesson that my dear husband has been trying to teach me since I have known him, just take one day at a time.  And now again that lesson is important in my life.  I’ve got to take one day at a time.  I’ve got to remember every day that there is a tomorrow.  Bad day? Shake it off and move forward.  There are better days ahead, of that I’m absolutely positive.  "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."  Every day is small and simple, even though some days feel huge and overwhelming and dark.  It’s just one day.

Discouraged

Today everything feels broken and impossible and dark.  Tommy keeps saying mommy don't cry, it's ok.  I wish it felt ok. I don't understand it. I felt great yesterday, I accomplished a lot and had a grip. But today I'm so broken and sad. Today I feel like I did one night when Steve and I went to dinner the week we were in Santa Barbara, the week after we lost our babies. I thought about all the risks and problems and scary things and everything was dark, and I was crying, in a restaurant, crying. I just wanted to crawl into a ball right there on the floor and give up. Today I want to do that too, just go to sleep and wake up when everything is ok. When I'm finally holding a healthy baby in my arms, when I can just think back to this day as a memory. I don't want to power through today.  And the frustrating part is that I absolutely know deep down in side that things will be ok eventually, I have faith and hope in that. But not knowing how that will all work out is just too much sometimes. Not knowing if I can get pregnant again, not knowing if I can stay pregnant, not knowing how and when we will expand our family, that's all really scary and real.  There's that anxiety and then there's the sadness that I feel for what happened. I'm just sad that I lost my babies. Today it's just overwhelming and I'm so sad that they are gone.  I'm so heartbroken.  I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know we have lots of good days ahead. I'm grateful for today because I know it's important to grieve and work through these emotions, and I'm grateful for today because it will make the happy days that much happier.

Since I'm such a downer today head over here to read this story, it's incredible, and I've thought about it a lot since reading it.  http://www.mormonwomen.com/2014/03/13/loving-allegra

Rant and a Question

4/2/14 Blog?!?!?!

                                        (above is one of said awesome pics, and it's so true)

Rant.  I’m so sick of seeing these perfectly made up, hair did in every right way, skinny minnie bloggers driving their Acura’s showing pictures of their giant houses, perfectly decorated with every trendy décor item in the world, oh and with their perfect families of young impeccably dressed children, and these children probably never poop on their living room ottoman, and these children probably always eat their perfect organic lunches and then perfectly recite the alphabet in Chinese.  They frustrate me.  Yes partly of course because I’m jealous that they are perfect.  I’m over here chubby, just hit 30 and don’t’ have the perfect little family I thought I would, I’m frustrated by my work and my kid pooped on the ottoman.  I’ve gotten great advice from people who have suffered loss to try to create something from their grief.  I’ve wondered a lot recently about that creation being a blog.  But then I see all these perfect women who have something interesting to share, like their darling tiny body in fashionable clothes, or their great ideas for crafts and home improvements, or their fabulous recipes, and I’m not sure that I have anything that interesting to share.  I don’t even know if I want to post this, I don’t want to sound like a crazy angry person or sound like I desperately need people to care about my rants and thoughts but I just wanted to put something out there and this is what it is.  

I wonder about a blog with all kinds of awesomeness, like good and easy recipes, service projects and ways to get connected to service opportunities in your area, hair 101as in how do I curl my hair for reals, workout ideas that normal people can accomplish, inspirational quotes and thought and funny pictures and lots of talk about diet coke, and I like clothes too.  I am no expert on any or all of these things, that's what other cool experts would be for.  I'd love to have a blog where many people share different tidbits of awesome.  So what do people think of this? 

Hope and a 3 year old

Tommy day 1 to 3 years old.

3/24/14

Today was the day I had hoped to make it to still pregnant. Today the babies would have been 24 weeks and viable, meaning they could have lived, with lots of medical intervention, but they could have had a chance. It's a weird day. I remember thinking of course I can make it to March 24, I'll stay positive and things will work out. Things didn't work out how I had hoped but it's ok. During the beginning of this trial my friend texted me a wonderful quote from a leader in my church, Neal A. Maxwell: 

"Real hope keeps us anxiously engaged in a good cause, even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard (see D&C 58:27). Likewise, real hope stiffens the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, eager without being naive, and steady. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of determination--not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to "endure" to the end." 

Hope is a great thing, it's the thing that keeps us going when life is crappy, the thing that provides happy images of our future, it's the thing that we all need to live. But the part of this quote that struck me when I read it and even more now is where it says that hope is eager without being naive. 

Tommy turned 3 last Friday. On March 21, 2011 my world was rocked. Tommy was born at 29.5 weeks. He was 3 lb 2 oz, 16 inches long. He had a cleft soft palate and some other mouth abnormalities that made it very difficult for him to breath well. As time went on we realized the long road we had ahead of us. Tommy had 7 surgeries by the time he was 21 months. We met with occupational therapists, physical therapists and speech therapists until just last week. On his 3rd birthday last Friday we basically got our "normal kid” stamp of approval. He did not qualify for the special needs preschool meaning he is completely caught up. And today we saw his pediatrician who has seen us through all of this, he and I thought back through the past 3 years of challenges and sighed a huge sigh of relief. We made it!  

I reminisce about all this because so much of it was surrounded by hope. The day Tommy was born I had so much hope and faith that everything would be ok, I knew it would take time but I knew he would be ok. Every bump in the road, every surgery, every sickness, I hoped for the best and things turned out.  But this time I hoped for the best and things didn't work out. And it's ok. I keep thinking about that quote, "hope is eager without being naive".  This time the odds were stacked against us. As soon as my membranes ruptured the odds were low that I would be able to remain pregnant.  I was devastated when things were looking that way but I was still hopeful.  I was full of hope the week in between the first time I went into labor and the second and last time I went into labor.  I was hopeful that things would work out and I would look back at this scary time and tell stories about it, but that it would have a happy ending.  As soon as I went into labor again I knew I would be delivering the babies and that they wouldn’t make it.  I was so heartbroken.  That drive to the hospital was horrible, going into the hospital was horrible, I knew that for a second time just like in 2011 I would enter labor and delivery and leave without a baby.  I’ve thought a lot about if I was naïve to even be hopeful for that in between week, but I know that I was everything that I needed to be.  That week was important to prepare us to say goodbye to our little angels.  I know Heavenly Father gave me that week to process what was happening, even though I really hoped that it would be different, I knew it was a strong possibility.  The bottom line is I was angry that I had that week full of hope the night we went back into the hospital, but I now understand it better.  Hope is what keeps us going, now it’s my hope for the future, for more baby Hendersons.   I know that everything in life is arranged by the hand of God.  Hope is there to help us see the clear skies through the storm, I’m so grateful for that.

Tender Mercies

“The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20).” 

Jeffrey R. Holland Oct. Conf. 2013

Tender mercies, thank goodness for them.  I experience tender mercies all day every day:

-the cute little birds at my bird feeder that I thought would never come, now every day lots of darling birds frequent the feeder

-slightly burned microwave popcorn, I perfected it the other night, it was epic

-Jimmy Fallon and the Tonight Show (laughter is the best medicine)

-Diet Coke by the bucket load

-watching my 3 year old escape out the front door in just undies, with husband chasing closely behind him, then the real chase ensues, Tommy is giggling and Steve is jumping around after him, this is happiness

-my friends, all of them, always knowing just the right thing to say, just the right thing to do, I’m so blessed

-doctors who really care about me and my family, same doctors who tell me to call and text whenever, doctors who drop off studies about premature labor, tell me everything is going to work out and we shouldn’t give up

-family, without my family I would be lost and broken

-a giant beast of a dog, she makes me laugh and smile, she comforts me

-sweet notes in the mail, on Facebook, texts, phone calls, emails, again always at the right time, saying just what I need

-watching Tommy sing Let it Go, so innocent and sweet

-a moon that was so glorious and majestic the other night that I stood and stared at it out my front door for several minutes, I felt so small but so connected to my Heavenly Father, I felt so strongly in that moment His love for me, and His knowledge of my struggles, and I felt so much hope and peace

-my future

This is by far the most difficult trial I have encountered.  Without the knowledge of the Gospel I would not know how to move forward, really even how to function during this time.  I have been so enormously blessed by tender mercies in my time of need.

“The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord’s timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings.”

David A. Bednar April Conf. 2005

Peas & Potatoes

3/13/14

At 1:21 this morning I sat at my kitchen counter stuffing my face with peas & potatoes.  This dish consists of butter, flour, milk and peas and potatoes, so obviously it’s the perfect comfort food when you can’t sleep.  I keep finding myself awake at 1:21 on Thursday mornings, and this super sucks because that’s when the first twin was born two weeks ago today.  Then I stare at the clock until 1:23 and that’s when the second twin was born.  The first little guy, Michael Peter, was stillborn.  He was alive a couple hours prior to birth but must have passed during labor.  I held him for a moment until the next baby started coming. The second little guy, David Ryan was alive when he came out.  He took a few reflex breaths, that’s what the doctor called it.  Then I watched his little heart beat in his tiny chest, I asked how long he would live and they said just a couple minutes.  Holding him and watching his heart beat was rough, but I’m so grateful I did get to hold him for those moments.  

Then they were both our angels.  Then I held them and sobbed.  Steve held me as I stared at these beautiful tiny babies and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  February 27, 2014 was the worst day of my life.  It was so unfair, I was so sad, and angry and heartbroken.  After doing IVF to get these twins I couldn’t believe that this would happen.  After having Tommy so early, and watching our sweet boy go through 7 surgeries, and all the therapy and crap we’ve had to go through to get him to where he is I thought really?  Haven’t we had enough?  But the longer I looked at my babies and touched their faces, and fingers and toes the more peace I felt.  These angels are mine forever and for that I’m forever grateful.  I’m sad for the lifetime on this earth that I’m not able to share with them but grateful for the eternities that I will.    

The Beginning

2/18/14 

Around 10:30 my belly started aching.  By 12:30 I was headed to my doctor’s office, I dropped Tommy off at my dear friend Kacey's house, she asked if I was ok, and that was really the first time I wondered if I was ok.  They took me back to ultrasound, it was bad, next thing I knew I was telling Steve to get over there and fast, they wheel me over to labor & delivery.  I try to make jokes and laugh, because that's my jam.  But it's all so real and so scary at this point. 

The high risk doc is waiting for me, and I know from experience that it's not a great sign when the doc, a busy doctor, is waiting for you to arrive.  They put the ultrasound on me, checking babies, they are ok, heartbeats, so handsome, I love them.  Then they get to the bad stuff, I'm only slightly dilated but the membranes are protruding outside of me.  Hourglassing they call it, as in the membranes are creating an hourglass figure between inside and outside of me.  I'm having regular contractions, my water is trying to break, and everyone is really scared and somber, and it's awful.  They admit me, Doc says he'll do what he can to force the membranes back in and stop labor but things look very grim.  Grim is a word used extremely frequently over the next 24 hours.  I'm not a fan of grim.  They wheel me to my room, hook me up to everything in the world, give me medication to stop contractions, then we sit and wait.  Doc can't do anything until contractions stop.  

The waiting sucks, all the terrible outcomes go through your mind, you start considering how you'll get through this, how it's all going to work out.  Doc comes back in and is very surprised my contractions haven't stopped, he gives me a second drug, warns it will make me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, but it's the only option we've got.  Finally the contractions are less painful and further apart.  Then our friend Chris came, he helped Steve give me a blessing.  That blessing took me back so quickly to the blessing that Steve and my dad gave Tommy the morning he was born.  When Tommy was born I listened to these incredible men bless my teeny tiny little boy and had all the faith in the world that things would work out, but knew the long journey we had ahead.  This time Steve blessed me that I would be ok and so would these boys, I hate to say it, I wanted so badly to believe that but knew that ok didn't necessarily mean alive and healthy.  Ok meant that these little spirits would be mine forever, whether here on this earth or after this life, and that would be ok.  

Doc comes in, gives us one last talk before we try to save this, he says the chances are really really low, if we just want to let nature take it's course he understands, he says it's worth a shot but it probably won't work, he'll try his hardest.  Then I'm in the operating room, I get the spinal, that makes things physically feel a lot better.  Then they are working on me, things are quiet, I'm staring at the ceiling.  I want to ask what's going on but I just can't muster it up in me.  They tell a nurse to get Steve, I know that's not good, really not good.  Next thing I know there are looks of disappointment and I hear them ask for a bucket.  The membrane ruptured, everything hits me 10 times harder and my reality breaks my heart.  We are going to lose the babies, both of them.  I failed these guys, I'm mad and so sad and now I just want it to be over.  Doc says he's so sorry, he tried and he's so sorry.  I actually want to hug him too and say it's ok, you did everything you could, he looked so sad and I hated that.  

They wheel me back, Steve holds my hand and puts his hand on my head, and tells me everything will be ok.  I know it will, but I don't want to go through all the pain to get there.  We cry, and sit together.  It was pretty awful.  I hate being sad and I just couldn't avoid it, and knew I had a lot of sad in front of me.  They get me situated in my new long term room, the nurses are so nice and kind, they make this all kind of bearable.  Doc says now one of two things will probably happen, I'll just go back into labor, and then I'll deliver the babies, get to hold them for a little before they pass, or, since my insides are now exposed I'll start an infection which would induce labor as well, same outcome.  Steve and I prepare ourselves for that reality.  There's a small chance that my body will not go back into labor or start an infection, but docs don't want to get my hopes up for that, we'll just wait and see at this point.  

We wait, every hour that goes by that I don't have a contraction makes us a teeny bit more hopeful.  We update family and friends, ask for prayers and then try to sleep.  By the next morning we are feeling a little more hopeful.  At least the trauma of the day before was over.  From there my body starts surprising people.  The high risk doc that has been by our side comes in and he's very surprised I didn't go back into labor and have the babies last night.  So I'm pretty pleased that I'm already beating the odds.  That whole day passes, no contractions, and my body behaves in some other ways that are good, keeping stuff where it should be, I'll leave it at that.