Tommy day 1 to 3 years old.
3/24/14
Today was the day I had hoped to make it to
still pregnant. Today the babies would have been 24 weeks and viable, meaning
they could have lived, with lots of medical intervention, but they could have
had a chance. It's a weird day. I remember thinking of course I can make it to
March 24, I'll stay positive and things will work out. Things didn't work out
how I had hoped but it's ok. During the beginning of this trial my friend
texted me a wonderful quote from a leader in my church, Neal A. Maxwell:
"Real
hope keeps us anxiously engaged in a good cause, even when these appear to be
losing causes on the mortal scoreboard (see D&C 58:27). Likewise, real hope
stiffens the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, eager without being naive, and
steady. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of
determination--not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to
"endure" to the end."
Hope is a great thing, it's the thing that
keeps us going when life is crappy, the thing that provides happy images of our
future, it's the thing that we all need to live. But the part of this quote
that struck me when I read it and even more now is where it says that hope is
eager without being naive.
Tommy turned 3 last Friday. On March 21, 2011
my world was rocked. Tommy was born at 29.5 weeks. He was 3 lb 2 oz, 16 inches
long. He had a cleft soft palate and some other mouth abnormalities that made
it very difficult for him to breath well. As time went on we realized the long
road we had ahead of us. Tommy had 7 surgeries by the time he was 21 months. We
met with occupational therapists, physical therapists and speech therapists
until just last week. On his 3rd birthday last Friday we basically got our
"normal kid” stamp of approval. He did not qualify for the special needs
preschool meaning he is completely caught up. And today we saw his pediatrician
who has seen us through all of this, he and I thought back through the past 3
years of challenges and sighed a huge sigh of relief. We made it!
I
reminisce about all this because so much of it was surrounded by hope. The day Tommy was born I had so much hope and faith that everything would be ok, I knew
it would take time but I knew he would be ok. Every bump in the road, every
surgery, every sickness, I hoped for the best and things turned out. But this time I hoped for the best and things
didn't work out. And it's ok. I keep thinking about that quote, "hope is
eager without being naive". This
time the odds were stacked against us. As soon as my membranes ruptured the
odds were low that I would be able to remain pregnant. I was devastated when things were looking
that way but I was still hopeful. I was
full of hope the week in between the first time I went into labor and the
second and last time I went into labor.
I was hopeful that things would work out and I would look back at this
scary time and tell stories about it, but that it would have a happy
ending. As soon as I went into labor again I knew I would be delivering the babies and that they wouldn’t make
it. I was so heartbroken. That drive to the hospital was horrible,
going into the hospital was horrible, I knew that for a second time just like
in 2011 I would enter labor and delivery and leave without a baby. I’ve thought a lot about if I was naïve to
even be hopeful for that in between week, but I know that I was everything that
I needed to be. That week was important
to prepare us to say goodbye to our little angels. I know Heavenly Father gave me that week to
process what was happening, even though I really hoped that it would be
different, I knew it was a strong possibility.
The bottom line is I was angry that I had that week full of hope the
night we went back into the hospital, but I now understand it better. Hope is what keeps us going, now it’s my hope
for the future, for more baby Hendersons. I know that everything in life is arranged
by the hand of God. Hope is there to
help us see the clear skies through the storm, I’m so grateful for that.
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