I calmly and quietly told Tommy over and over, it's ok, everything is going to be ok, I held him, and stroked his hair, and got him to slowly stop crying, take a deep breath, and calm down. I had this major moment where things became clear. Isn't this exactly how our Father in Heaven feels all the time. He just wants to hold us and let us know that everything will be ok. I am lucky to be able to hold my baby, and comfort him and tell him that, but Heavenly Father can only comfort us if we let Him. If we let Him into our lives and seek Him out. He is always there, and He always loves us, and He will carry us through the storm if we let him.
I've been experiencing some severe anxiety lately. Every day last week I found myself crying, and feeling darkness and overwhelming sadness. It came on strong and suddenly and was all consuming. By Friday I was sitting with Steve barely able to get words out, the anxiety was immense and physically painful. He suggested that I go the temple. The best thing he could have said, he always knows. Saturday morning I went to the temple. I did a session while Steve stayed home with Tommy. The truth is it has been a while since I've done a session (a link to an explanation of a session is below, also known as an endowment for the dead). I have been nervous since losing the babies that I would be a complete mess, that I would be unable to actually participate because I would be a crying blob on the floor. Incredibly I wasn't. Not until the very end. The word posterity hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment I had such a clear revelation that I would in fact have more posterity. That all of this heartache and pain and anxiety would lead me to another baby. Then the scripture from Joshua 1:9 popped into my head. "Be Strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be though dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." The Lord is with me everywhere I go, He's with me in everything I do. He knows me, He knows my struggles, He hears my prayers, and He will be by my side no matter what the future holds.
We are doing another embryo transfer next month. I'm so scared of everything. I'm so scared of being in two familiar and painful places, that of being able to get pregnant, then being able to stay pregnant. Infertility is such a big dark demon, it's a horrible mind game and painful process. I did not think I'd have to face the getting pregnant part again this soon. Then the staying pregnant. You survive the getting pregnant, probably by the skin of your teeth, then you've got to stay pregnant, which for me has proven extremely challenging. I know this is a lot of information and I've hesitated being so open about this but I'm hopeful for two things, that this will help someone else and that the prayers and love and support of my friends and family will continue to help me through this. Today I feel a lot better. As soon as I left the temple I felt peaceful and I felt so much comfort, and that has continued. I cannot control the outcome of some of the major life events that I'm facing, but I can control how I feel about them and how I act and what I do. I'm going to be ok, everything is going to be ok and I'm so grateful for that knowledge. My Father in Heaven is by my side and cheering me on for all of it, and that's enough for me to face each day with a smile and a grateful heart.
https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-we-build-temples/what-happens-in-temples?lang=eng
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