Discouraged

Today everything feels broken and impossible and dark.  Tommy keeps saying mommy don't cry, it's ok.  I wish it felt ok. I don't understand it. I felt great yesterday, I accomplished a lot and had a grip. But today I'm so broken and sad. Today I feel like I did one night when Steve and I went to dinner the week we were in Santa Barbara, the week after we lost our babies. I thought about all the risks and problems and scary things and everything was dark, and I was crying, in a restaurant, crying. I just wanted to crawl into a ball right there on the floor and give up. Today I want to do that too, just go to sleep and wake up when everything is ok. When I'm finally holding a healthy baby in my arms, when I can just think back to this day as a memory. I don't want to power through today.  And the frustrating part is that I absolutely know deep down in side that things will be ok eventually, I have faith and hope in that. But not knowing how that will all work out is just too much sometimes. Not knowing if I can get pregnant again, not knowing if I can stay pregnant, not knowing how and when we will expand our family, that's all really scary and real.  There's that anxiety and then there's the sadness that I feel for what happened. I'm just sad that I lost my babies. Today it's just overwhelming and I'm so sad that they are gone.  I'm so heartbroken.  I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know we have lots of good days ahead. I'm grateful for today because I know it's important to grieve and work through these emotions, and I'm grateful for today because it will make the happy days that much happier.

Since I'm such a downer today head over here to read this story, it's incredible, and I've thought about it a lot since reading it.  http://www.mormonwomen.com/2014/03/13/loving-allegra