Peas & Potatoes

3/13/14

At 1:21 this morning I sat at my kitchen counter stuffing my face with peas & potatoes.  This dish consists of butter, flour, milk and peas and potatoes, so obviously it’s the perfect comfort food when you can’t sleep.  I keep finding myself awake at 1:21 on Thursday mornings, and this super sucks because that’s when the first twin was born two weeks ago today.  Then I stare at the clock until 1:23 and that’s when the second twin was born.  The first little guy, Michael Peter, was stillborn.  He was alive a couple hours prior to birth but must have passed during labor.  I held him for a moment until the next baby started coming. The second little guy, David Ryan was alive when he came out.  He took a few reflex breaths, that’s what the doctor called it.  Then I watched his little heart beat in his tiny chest, I asked how long he would live and they said just a couple minutes.  Holding him and watching his heart beat was rough, but I’m so grateful I did get to hold him for those moments.  

Then they were both our angels.  Then I held them and sobbed.  Steve held me as I stared at these beautiful tiny babies and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  February 27, 2014 was the worst day of my life.  It was so unfair, I was so sad, and angry and heartbroken.  After doing IVF to get these twins I couldn’t believe that this would happen.  After having Tommy so early, and watching our sweet boy go through 7 surgeries, and all the therapy and crap we’ve had to go through to get him to where he is I thought really?  Haven’t we had enough?  But the longer I looked at my babies and touched their faces, and fingers and toes the more peace I felt.  These angels are mine forever and for that I’m forever grateful.  I’m sad for the lifetime on this earth that I’m not able to share with them but grateful for the eternities that I will.