I calmly and quietly told Tommy over and over, it's ok, everything is going to be ok, I held him, and stroked his hair, and got him to slowly stop crying, take a deep breath, and calm down. I had this major moment where things became clear. Isn't this exactly how our Father in Heaven feels all the time. He just wants to hold us and let us know that everything will be ok. I am lucky to be able to hold my baby, and comfort him and tell him that, but Heavenly Father can only comfort us if we let Him. If we let Him into our lives and seek Him out. He is always there, and He always loves us, and He will carry us through the storm if we let him.
I've been experiencing some severe anxiety lately. Every day last week I found myself crying, and feeling darkness and overwhelming sadness. It came on strong and suddenly and was all consuming. By Friday I was sitting with Steve barely able to get words out, the anxiety was immense and physically painful. He suggested that I go the temple. The best thing he could have said, he always knows. Saturday morning I went to the temple. I did a session while Steve stayed home with Tommy. The truth is it has been a while since I've done a session (a link to an explanation of a session is below, also known as an endowment for the dead). I have been nervous since losing the babies that I would be a complete mess, that I would be unable to actually participate because I would be a crying blob on the floor. Incredibly I wasn't. Not until the very end. The word posterity hit me like a ton of bricks. In that moment I had such a clear revelation that I would in fact have more posterity. That all of this heartache and pain and anxiety would lead me to another baby. Then the scripture from Joshua 1:9 popped into my head. "Be Strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be though dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." The Lord is with me everywhere I go, He's with me in everything I do. He knows me, He knows my struggles, He hears my prayers, and He will be by my side no matter what the future holds.
We are doing another embryo transfer next month. I'm so scared of everything. I'm so scared of being in two familiar and painful places, that of being able to get pregnant, then being able to stay pregnant. Infertility is such a big dark demon, it's a horrible mind game and painful process. I did not think I'd have to face the getting pregnant part again this soon. Then the staying pregnant. You survive the getting pregnant, probably by the skin of your teeth, then you've got to stay pregnant, which for me has proven extremely challenging. I know this is a lot of information and I've hesitated being so open about this but I'm hopeful for two things, that this will help someone else and that the prayers and love and support of my friends and family will continue to help me through this. Today I feel a lot better. As soon as I left the temple I felt peaceful and I felt so much comfort, and that has continued. I cannot control the outcome of some of the major life events that I'm facing, but I can control how I feel about them and how I act and what I do. I'm going to be ok, everything is going to be ok and I'm so grateful for that knowledge. My Father in Heaven is by my side and cheering me on for all of it, and that's enough for me to face each day with a smile and a grateful heart.
https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-we-build-temples/what-happens-in-temples?lang=eng
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Recipes - Freezer Meals
A few of my favorite freezer meals:
CHICKEN CURRY – serves 6
½ c butter
¼c chopped onions
¼ c chopped celery
½ t salt
1-2 T curry powder
½ c flour
1 ½ c milk
1 ½ c chicken stock
1 c heavy cream
2-3 c diced cooked chicken
1 ½ c milk
1 ½ c chicken stock
1 c heavy cream
2-3 c diced cooked chicken
Melt butter in pot; add onions, celery, sautee until onions are clear-ish. Add salt, curry powder and flour, mix it all together, keep it over medium heat. Add milk and chicken stock gradually, ½ cup at a time, stirring constantly. Stir until thick and smooth. Add cream and chicken. Let simmer 30 minutes. Serve over white rice. In our family we always put condiments on the table with the curry, usually it’s raisins, coconut and sliced almonds. ENJOY!
MARTHA STEWART'S MAC & CHEESE (w/ my notes in italics)
Serves 12
6 slices good-quality white bread, crusts removed, torn into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces (or you can use panko, just cover the whole top)
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for dish
5 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I don’t use this, fyi)
4 1/2 cups (about 18 ounces) grated sharp white cheddar (or any cheddar in my opinion)
1 1/4 cups (about 5 ounces) grated pecorino Romano (this cheese can usually be found at Costco)
1 pound elbow macaroni
1. Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Place bread pieces in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour butter into the bowl with bread, and toss. Set the breadcrumbs aside. In a medium saucepan set over medium heat, heat milk. Melt remaining 6 tablespoons butter in a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles, add flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.
2. Slowly pour hot milk into flour-butter mixture while whisking. Continue cooking, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick.
3. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyere or 1 cup pecorino Romano. Set cheese sauce aside.
4. Fill a large saucepan with water. Bring to a boil. Add macaroni; cook 2 to 3 fewer minutes than manufacturer's directions, until outside of pasta is cooked and inside is underdone. (Different brands of macaroni cook at different rates; be sure to read the instructions.) Transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain well. Stir macaroni into the reserved cheese sauce.
5. Pour the mixture into the prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle remaining 1 1/2 cups cheddar and 1/2 cup Gruyere or 1/4 cup pecorino Romano; scatter breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until browned on top, about 30 minutes. Transfer dish to a wire rack to cool for 5 minutes; serve.
Serves 12
6 slices good-quality white bread, crusts removed, torn into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces (or you can use panko, just cover the whole top)
8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for dish
5 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I don’t use this, fyi)
4 1/2 cups (about 18 ounces) grated sharp white cheddar (or any cheddar in my opinion)
1 1/4 cups (about 5 ounces) grated pecorino Romano (this cheese can usually be found at Costco)
1 pound elbow macaroni
1. Heat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish; set aside. Place bread pieces in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour butter into the bowl with bread, and toss. Set the breadcrumbs aside. In a medium saucepan set over medium heat, heat milk. Melt remaining 6 tablespoons butter in a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles, add flour. Cook, stirring, 1 minute.
2. Slowly pour hot milk into flour-butter mixture while whisking. Continue cooking, whisking constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick.
3. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyere or 1 cup pecorino Romano. Set cheese sauce aside.
4. Fill a large saucepan with water. Bring to a boil. Add macaroni; cook 2 to 3 fewer minutes than manufacturer's directions, until outside of pasta is cooked and inside is underdone. (Different brands of macaroni cook at different rates; be sure to read the instructions.) Transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain well. Stir macaroni into the reserved cheese sauce.
5. Pour the mixture into the prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle remaining 1 1/2 cups cheddar and 1/2 cup Gruyere or 1/4 cup pecorino Romano; scatter breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until browned on top, about 30 minutes. Transfer dish to a wire rack to cool for 5 minutes; serve.
CREAM OF BROCCOLI SOUP (or any veggie)
6 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
5 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken broth
2 cups milk (any kind works, skim is fine but of course 1%, 2% or whole is delicious)
¾ teaspoon salt (I usually add a little more, just do it to taste)
Dash pepper
Dash nutmeg
1 10 oz package frozen chopped broccoli, THAWED or FRESH broccoli (I just steam it before hand and eye ball how much I want to use)
Grated parmesan for garnish
Melt butter and cook onion until soft but not browned. Blend in flour until smooth. Add milk, broth, salt, pepper and nutmeg; stirring until thick and smooth. Add broccoli, and here’s where you would puree it in a food processor if you want it thin, but I just steam the brocc and chop it up and stick it right it. Heat in pan for 5-6 minutes, stirring frequently. Add cheese in bowls.
Same recipe with other veggies is great (carrots, asparagus, cauliflower) just adjust seasonings to taste.
6 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon finely chopped onion
5 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken broth
2 cups milk (any kind works, skim is fine but of course 1%, 2% or whole is delicious)
¾ teaspoon salt (I usually add a little more, just do it to taste)
Dash pepper
Dash nutmeg
1 10 oz package frozen chopped broccoli, THAWED or FRESH broccoli (I just steam it before hand and eye ball how much I want to use)
Grated parmesan for garnish
Melt butter and cook onion until soft but not browned. Blend in flour until smooth. Add milk, broth, salt, pepper and nutmeg; stirring until thick and smooth. Add broccoli, and here’s where you would puree it in a food processor if you want it thin, but I just steam the brocc and chop it up and stick it right it. Heat in pan for 5-6 minutes, stirring frequently. Add cheese in bowls.
Same recipe with other veggies is great (carrots, asparagus, cauliflower) just adjust seasonings to taste.
CHICKEN POT PIE
Yield: 2 pot pies (6 to 8 servings each)
4 cups cubed cooked chicken (ham, shredded beef or turkey)
4 medium potatoes, peeled and diced
2 cups sliced carrots
1 medium onion, chopped
1 cup butter or margarine
1 cup flour
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon pepper
3 cups chicken broth
1½ cups milk
1 cup frozen peas
1 cup frozen corn
pastry for two double-crust 9-inch pies
Boil potatoes and carrots in a large stockpot. In another pot, boil cubed chicken for 8 minutes. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer vegetables for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain vegetables and chicken and set aside.
In a large skillet, sauté onion in butter until tender. Stir in the flour, salt, thyme, and pepper until blended. Gradually stir in broth and milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Add the chicken, peas, corn, potatoes, and carrots. Remove from heat.
Line two 9-inch pie plates with bottom pastry; trim even with edge of plate. Fill pastry shells with chicken mixture. Roll out remaining pastry to fit top of pies. Cut slits or decorative cutouts in pastry. Place over filling; trim, seal and style the edges. Bake one pot pie at 425ºF for 35 to 40 minutes or until crust is lightly browned. Let stand for 15 minutes before cutting.
Yield: 2 pot pies (6 to 8 servings each)
4 cups cubed cooked chicken (ham, shredded beef or turkey)
4 medium potatoes, peeled and diced
2 cups sliced carrots
1 medium onion, chopped
1 cup butter or margarine
1 cup flour
2 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon pepper
3 cups chicken broth
1½ cups milk
1 cup frozen peas
1 cup frozen corn
pastry for two double-crust 9-inch pies
Boil potatoes and carrots in a large stockpot. In another pot, boil cubed chicken for 8 minutes. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer vegetables for 8 to 10 minutes. Drain vegetables and chicken and set aside.
In a large skillet, sauté onion in butter until tender. Stir in the flour, salt, thyme, and pepper until blended. Gradually stir in broth and milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Add the chicken, peas, corn, potatoes, and carrots. Remove from heat.
Line two 9-inch pie plates with bottom pastry; trim even with edge of plate. Fill pastry shells with chicken mixture. Roll out remaining pastry to fit top of pies. Cut slits or decorative cutouts in pastry. Place over filling; trim, seal and style the edges. Bake one pot pie at 425ºF for 35 to 40 minutes or until crust is lightly browned. Let stand for 15 minutes before cutting.
Friday, May 9, 2014
A letter to my baby
Hi baby, I just held a 4 day old baby, it was
incredible. I was listening to that song
by Jason Mraz called I Won’t Give up, and I was so overcome with emotion. I just busted into Nicole’s house with tears
already streaming down my face. I held
her beautiful little Katie, such an angel.
Such a gift from our Heavenly Father, so sweet, pure and perfect. I so look forward to the day that I get to
hold you and love you. I am so excited
to name you and bless you and have you be with your brother Tommy, he’s the
best, and you guys will be best friends.
I need you so badly baby, I need you to heal the hole in my heart. Your brothers came too soon and they didn’t
get a chance to live on this earth. I
hated saying goodbye to them and I miss them.
Please come baby when the time is right.
I am trying to be patient and I know the Lord has a plan for us, but I’m
really scared. I don’t want to say
goodbye to another baby too soon. I just
want to hold you and love you and have you look at me with your beautiful
perfect eyes and coo and be a wonderful little perfect baby. I love you so much baby, please take care of
your brothers while you are up there.
Tell them I love them. Please be
good baby, please come and be healthy and strong. I have faith that you will, and until then I’m
going to do the best I can to be still and courageous and trusting.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Incredible Wisdom
I'm feeling kind of lost tonight, decided to take in some wisdom, thought I'd share this great list and a great quote:
"The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived though it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"God Did Not Put us Here to Fail" - Jon M. Hunstman
link to talk
"I Will Not Fail Thee or Forsake Thee" - President Monson
link to talk
"Like a Broken Vessel" - Elder Holland
link to talk
"The Hope of God's Light" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk
"Where is the Pavillion" - President Eyring
link to talk
"Trial of Your Faith" - Elder Andersen
link to talk
"Mountains to Climb" - President Eyring
link to talk
"Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will be Done" - Elder Hales
link to talk
"He Heals the Heavy Laden" - Elder Oaks
link to talk
"Grateful in any Circumstances" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk
"Bear up Their Burdens with Ease" - Elder Bednar
link to talk
"The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived though it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"God Did Not Put us Here to Fail" - Jon M. Hunstman
link to talk
"I Will Not Fail Thee or Forsake Thee" - President Monson
link to talk
"Like a Broken Vessel" - Elder Holland
link to talk
"The Hope of God's Light" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk
"Where is the Pavillion" - President Eyring
link to talk
"Trial of Your Faith" - Elder Andersen
link to talk
"Mountains to Climb" - President Eyring
link to talk
"Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will be Done" - Elder Hales
link to talk
"He Heals the Heavy Laden" - Elder Oaks
link to talk
"Grateful in any Circumstances" - President Uchtdorf
link to talk
"Bear up Their Burdens with Ease" - Elder Bednar
link to talk
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Small & Simple Things
“…by small and simple things are great things
brought to pass…”
- - Alma
37:6
Two nights ago that scripture popped into my
mind and has stayed there, repeating over and over. Tonight I think I realized why. The last week or so has been hard, I’ve been
emotional and I’ve felt completely out of control. I’ve felt like I’ve been taking steps back in
my healing process and it has confused and bewildered me, and kind of shaken me
up. But several things have become clear
tonight. This is a process, some days
are good, some days are bad, every bit of that is part of that process. Steve and I had a long talk last Friday
night, that was the last time I posted, and it was a rough day. We talked about taking small steps. He said, “I’m not asking you to take a leap,
just make an effort, take a small step”.
I have the tendency to build up these grand schemes in my mind, like I’m
going to lose 50 lbs like now, or I’m going to potty train Tommy in 3 days, or
I’m going to take over the online retail world by Friday, you know, things like
that. These things are great, they are
awesome goals. But when I put these
ideas in my mind and then have a day where things don’t go right, I feel like I
have failed. I’m kind of a person of
absolutes, I go all or nothing, and I’m finally starting to realize that it’s
maybe not the best way. This one time I
did something awesome, I lost 50 lbs. On
Tommy’s first birthday I made that goal, and with a lot of time and
determination I did it. The day I
actually accomplished it was kind of surreal.
It was truly the first time I set a somewhat grandiose goal for myself
and accomplished it. But the difference
that time was I finally learned a lesson that my dear husband has been trying
to teach me since I have known him, just take one day at a time. And now again that lesson is important in my
life. I’ve got to take one day at a
time. I’ve got to remember every day
that there is a tomorrow. Bad day? Shake
it off and move forward. There are
better days ahead, of that I’m absolutely positive. "By small and simple things are great things
brought to pass." Every day is small and
simple, even though some days feel huge and overwhelming and dark. It’s just one day.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Discouraged
Today everything feels broken and impossible and dark. Tommy keeps saying mommy don't cry, it's ok. I wish it felt ok. I don't understand it. I felt great yesterday, I accomplished a lot and had a grip. But today I'm so broken and sad. Today I feel like I did one night when Steve and I went to dinner the week we were in Santa Barbara, the week after we lost our babies. I thought about all the risks and problems and scary things and everything was dark, and I was crying, in a restaurant, crying. I just wanted to crawl into a ball right there on the floor and give up. Today I want to do that too, just go to sleep and wake up when everything is ok. When I'm finally holding a healthy baby in my arms, when I can just think back to this day as a memory. I don't want to power through today. And the frustrating part is that I absolutely know deep down in side that things will be ok eventually, I have faith and hope in that. But not knowing how that will all work out is just too much sometimes. Not knowing if I can get pregnant again, not knowing if I can stay pregnant, not knowing how and when we will expand our family, that's all really scary and real. There's that anxiety and then there's the sadness that I feel for what happened. I'm just sad that I lost my babies. Today it's just overwhelming and I'm so sad that they are gone. I'm so heartbroken. I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know we have lots of good days ahead. I'm grateful for today because I know it's important to grieve and work through these emotions, and I'm grateful for today because it will make the happy days that much happier.
Since I'm such a downer today head over here to read this story, it's incredible, and I've thought about it a lot since reading it. http://www.mormonwomen.com/
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Rant and a Question
4/2/14 Blog?!?!?!
(above is one of said awesome pics, and it's so true)
Rant. I’m so sick of seeing these perfectly made up, hair did in every right way, skinny minnie bloggers driving their Acura’s showing pictures of their giant houses, perfectly decorated with every trendy décor item in the world, oh and with their perfect families of young impeccably dressed children, and these children probably never poop on their living room ottoman, and these children probably always eat their perfect organic lunches and then perfectly recite the alphabet in Chinese. They frustrate me. Yes partly of course because I’m jealous that they are perfect. I’m over here chubby, just hit 30 and don’t’ have the perfect little family I thought I would, I’m frustrated by my work and my kid pooped on the ottoman. I’ve gotten great advice from people who have suffered loss to try to create something from their grief. I’ve wondered a lot recently about that creation being a blog. But then I see all these perfect women who have something interesting to share, like their darling tiny body in fashionable clothes, or their great ideas for crafts and home improvements, or their fabulous recipes, and I’m not sure that I have anything that interesting to share. I don’t even know if I want to post this, I don’t want to sound like a crazy angry person or sound like I desperately need people to care about my rants and thoughts but I just wanted to put something out there and this is what it is.
I wonder about a blog with all kinds of awesomeness, like good and easy recipes, service projects and ways to get connected to service opportunities in your area, hair 101as in how do I curl my hair for reals, workout ideas that normal people can accomplish, inspirational quotes and thought and funny pictures and lots of talk about diet coke, and I like clothes too. I am no expert on any or all of these things, that's what other cool experts would be for. I'd love to have a blog where many people share different tidbits of awesome. So what do people think of this?
Rant. I’m so sick of seeing these perfectly made up, hair did in every right way, skinny minnie bloggers driving their Acura’s showing pictures of their giant houses, perfectly decorated with every trendy décor item in the world, oh and with their perfect families of young impeccably dressed children, and these children probably never poop on their living room ottoman, and these children probably always eat their perfect organic lunches and then perfectly recite the alphabet in Chinese. They frustrate me. Yes partly of course because I’m jealous that they are perfect. I’m over here chubby, just hit 30 and don’t’ have the perfect little family I thought I would, I’m frustrated by my work and my kid pooped on the ottoman. I’ve gotten great advice from people who have suffered loss to try to create something from their grief. I’ve wondered a lot recently about that creation being a blog. But then I see all these perfect women who have something interesting to share, like their darling tiny body in fashionable clothes, or their great ideas for crafts and home improvements, or their fabulous recipes, and I’m not sure that I have anything that interesting to share. I don’t even know if I want to post this, I don’t want to sound like a crazy angry person or sound like I desperately need people to care about my rants and thoughts but I just wanted to put something out there and this is what it is.
I wonder about a blog with all kinds of awesomeness, like good and easy recipes, service projects and ways to get connected to service opportunities in your area, hair 101as in how do I curl my hair for reals, workout ideas that normal people can accomplish, inspirational quotes and thought and funny pictures and lots of talk about diet coke, and I like clothes too. I am no expert on any or all of these things, that's what other cool experts would be for. I'd love to have a blog where many people share different tidbits of awesome. So what do people think of this?
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