Incredible Wisdom

I'm feeling kind of lost tonight, decided to take in some wisdom, thought I'd share this great list and a great quote:

"The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived though it you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before.  If you can live through that you can live through anything.  You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"God Did Not Put us Here to Fail" - Jon M. Hunstman
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"I Will Not Fail Thee or Forsake Thee" - President Monson
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"Like a Broken Vessel" - Elder Holland
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"The Hope of God's Light" - President Uchtdorf
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"Where is the Pavillion" - President Eyring
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"Trial of Your Faith" - Elder Andersen
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"Mountains to Climb" - President Eyring
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"Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will be Done" - Elder Hales
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"He Heals the Heavy Laden" - Elder Oaks
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"Grateful in any Circumstances" - President Uchtdorf
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"Bear up Their Burdens with Ease" - Elder Bednar
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Small & Simple Things

“…by small and simple things are great things brought to pass…”

-       -  Alma 37:6

Two nights ago that scripture popped into my mind and has stayed there, repeating over and over.  Tonight I think I realized why.  The last week or so has been hard, I’ve been emotional and I’ve felt completely out of control.  I’ve felt like I’ve been taking steps back in my healing process and it has confused and bewildered me, and kind of shaken me up.  But several things have become clear tonight.  This is a process, some days are good, some days are bad, every bit of that is part of that process.  Steve and I had a long talk last Friday night, that was the last time I posted, and it was a rough day.  We talked about taking small steps.  He said, “I’m not asking you to take a leap, just make an effort, take a small step”.  I have the tendency to build up these grand schemes in my mind, like I’m going to lose 50 lbs like now, or I’m going to potty train Tommy in 3 days, or I’m going to take over the online retail world by Friday, you know, things like that.  These things are great, they are awesome goals.  But when I put these ideas in my mind and then have a day where things don’t go right, I feel like I have failed.  I’m kind of a person of absolutes, I go all or nothing, and I’m finally starting to realize that it’s maybe not the best way.  This one time I did something awesome, I lost 50 lbs.  On Tommy’s first birthday I made that goal, and with a lot of time and determination I did it.  The day I actually accomplished it was kind of surreal.  It was truly the first time I set a somewhat grandiose goal for myself and accomplished it.  But the difference that time was I finally learned a lesson that my dear husband has been trying to teach me since I have known him, just take one day at a time.  And now again that lesson is important in my life.  I’ve got to take one day at a time.  I’ve got to remember every day that there is a tomorrow.  Bad day? Shake it off and move forward.  There are better days ahead, of that I’m absolutely positive.  "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."  Every day is small and simple, even though some days feel huge and overwhelming and dark.  It’s just one day.

Discouraged

Today everything feels broken and impossible and dark.  Tommy keeps saying mommy don't cry, it's ok.  I wish it felt ok. I don't understand it. I felt great yesterday, I accomplished a lot and had a grip. But today I'm so broken and sad. Today I feel like I did one night when Steve and I went to dinner the week we were in Santa Barbara, the week after we lost our babies. I thought about all the risks and problems and scary things and everything was dark, and I was crying, in a restaurant, crying. I just wanted to crawl into a ball right there on the floor and give up. Today I want to do that too, just go to sleep and wake up when everything is ok. When I'm finally holding a healthy baby in my arms, when I can just think back to this day as a memory. I don't want to power through today.  And the frustrating part is that I absolutely know deep down in side that things will be ok eventually, I have faith and hope in that. But not knowing how that will all work out is just too much sometimes. Not knowing if I can get pregnant again, not knowing if I can stay pregnant, not knowing how and when we will expand our family, that's all really scary and real.  There's that anxiety and then there's the sadness that I feel for what happened. I'm just sad that I lost my babies. Today it's just overwhelming and I'm so sad that they are gone.  I'm so heartbroken.  I know tomorrow will be a better day. I know we have lots of good days ahead. I'm grateful for today because I know it's important to grieve and work through these emotions, and I'm grateful for today because it will make the happy days that much happier.

Since I'm such a downer today head over here to read this story, it's incredible, and I've thought about it a lot since reading it.  http://www.mormonwomen.com/2014/03/13/loving-allegra

Rant and a Question

4/2/14 Blog?!?!?!

                                        (above is one of said awesome pics, and it's so true)

Rant.  I’m so sick of seeing these perfectly made up, hair did in every right way, skinny minnie bloggers driving their Acura’s showing pictures of their giant houses, perfectly decorated with every trendy décor item in the world, oh and with their perfect families of young impeccably dressed children, and these children probably never poop on their living room ottoman, and these children probably always eat their perfect organic lunches and then perfectly recite the alphabet in Chinese.  They frustrate me.  Yes partly of course because I’m jealous that they are perfect.  I’m over here chubby, just hit 30 and don’t’ have the perfect little family I thought I would, I’m frustrated by my work and my kid pooped on the ottoman.  I’ve gotten great advice from people who have suffered loss to try to create something from their grief.  I’ve wondered a lot recently about that creation being a blog.  But then I see all these perfect women who have something interesting to share, like their darling tiny body in fashionable clothes, or their great ideas for crafts and home improvements, or their fabulous recipes, and I’m not sure that I have anything that interesting to share.  I don’t even know if I want to post this, I don’t want to sound like a crazy angry person or sound like I desperately need people to care about my rants and thoughts but I just wanted to put something out there and this is what it is.  

I wonder about a blog with all kinds of awesomeness, like good and easy recipes, service projects and ways to get connected to service opportunities in your area, hair 101as in how do I curl my hair for reals, workout ideas that normal people can accomplish, inspirational quotes and thought and funny pictures and lots of talk about diet coke, and I like clothes too.  I am no expert on any or all of these things, that's what other cool experts would be for.  I'd love to have a blog where many people share different tidbits of awesome.  So what do people think of this?